Famous Fornicator's Slated For Satan

If Titans head coach Jeff Fisher is looking for a silver lining, something to motivate his team hours after getting throttled by the Patriots 59-0, maybe this is it: Tom Brady is going to Hell.

At least according to the Amazing Grace Baptist Church, which declared that New England's quarterback is destined for eternal damnation for his sinful existence in this life.

"Tom Brady has an unwed child," the group stated, "but it's okay because he wins Super Bowls. Tom Brady is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don't marry and do the right thing, don't take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it's okay because of who I am. How many of you dad's (sic) cheer on Tom in the Super Bowl while your kids are watching?"

Brady won't be alone in Hell, however. The church has also identified Matt Leinart and Adam Archuleta among many others. Leinart had a child out of wedlock and worse, he parties with Nick Lachey. Archuleta was disgraced out of the NFL, cut by the Redskins before the Raiders gave up on trying to make him a linebacker. But that wasn't the low point of his professional career. He was recently released by the UFL's Las Vegas Locomotives.

"Engaged to a Playboy Playmate Jennifer Walcott," the group added, "They have one son. This is called fornication, and we all know what their son is called, the same thing the Bible calls him."